What the new phone

Um I was going to blog this weekend, but instead....I got a bad ass new phone!! I drained the battery 4 times in one weekend so I didn't have time to blog. Well I had time but you know. Anyway lots to update...my phone is boss, I am still awesome, new crowd, more nephews, trip to the Philippines and Hawaii, NEW PHONE, and constant stomach aches. Yeah I really need to blog. Hmmmmm we'll see how that goes.

Soap. Save the Soap.

So the other day I woke up to a note from my mom. "Kimmy, please don't use so much dish soap. You only need to use a little. You used half the container and it's brand new. Thanks baby. Love mom." .... Okay I do use a lot of soap. Ya know why? I hate using the dishwasher. Dishwashers suck and don't clean thoroughly. Everyone knows what I am talking about. They always leave water spots. They don't get all the crap off. They are useless machines. My mom raised me and the hoe train sisters to hand wash everything. Which I prefer since it cleans it better. I could have both sinks full of dishes, and still clean them all by hand. It's just what I do:) So in my defense, I use the soap cause it's necessary to use that much. That's the way you raised me mommy. Although I guess I could probably learn to rationalize the soap. The end.

Diet + Exercise = Normalcy

Diet and exercise. Those two words make most people in the world cringe at the very thought. I mean who wants to watch what they eat? Count their calories? Go to the gym everyday? Sweat like a mofo? Uhhh MEEEEE!!! You may find this hard to believe, but I absolutely love dieting and exercising. I like feeling refreshed after a meal, instead of feeling like shiiiii. I don't even consider it dieting anymore. It's just my normal everyday way of life now. No bread, no sugar, no fried foods. It's all good. The gym has become a place of peace for me. I love a great workout. Lifting weights. Crazy Cardio. I love waking up in the morning and being sore from a workout. It's a feel good hurt. It's also nice to continue to lose weight. So far this year I have lost 17 lbs. I'm still super chubby, but I'm working on it. I gotta be swimsuit and/or nude beach ready by September. Philippines and Hawaii here I come!!! Jealous? That's the plan. Anyway, with my new lifestyle I have learned a lot of self control. Control being I don't want to get my ass kicked by my crazy trainer sister Melanie. Man she can be feisty. She's also part of the reason why I am slimming down. Basically she is Jillian from the Biggest Loser. Only prettier and Asian. It's just I report to her almost everyday about what I am eating. I ask her about a million questions everyday about food. Without fail she responds. She's on a pretty intense diet as well so she gets me. Hers is way more intense seeing how she is training for her body building shows (Come show her love on May 8th and 15th, contact me for more details:) My eating habits have changed immensely. It's a good thing though. I haven't had fast food for..I don't even know how long. I don't want that crap anymore. I don't crave it. It was a hard bridge to get over, but I did it. Working out has become the biggest part of my day. I get to the gym at least 6 times a week. I can't believe that I am at that point where if I miss a day of working out, I feel a loss. Like I can't describe how that feels. Moral of the story I have become a gym rat on a healthy eating regimen who physically feels freaking great all the time! I love the gym. So should you.

Thanks good sir....

Ya know usually I would be writing about how someone pissed me off, or about someone or somthing that I want to make fun of, but this is actually about someone who made my day. Ya know whenever I go out in public, the same story recurs. (Ps I had to Google the spelling of recurs) The story always goes as follows...I'm happy, I go somewhere, but it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, there is always that one person to ruin my entire day. Whether it's cutting me off while driving, giving me the glare, or just flat out being an annoying idiot. The day can be shot to hell at any moment. You all know what I am talking about and have most likely been in the same situations. People suck. End of story. Well that's what I thought:) On Saturday, me and my two buds were out and about, ya know rollerblading around sports authority (probably pissing people off, wow I just realized this goes both ways.....) We went to the mall, and then to Whole Foods to grab some salads for dinner. Well after that we all we're making our way to watch the Jazz game. I decided to stop and get a drink at the local gas station. I walk into there owning the place as usual, fill up my fountain drink, and then walk to the cashier. Now when I turned around after getting my delightful Coke Zero, I could see him eyeing me. Which is okay, being checked out is a great feeling. So I put the Coke on the counter, the cashier looks at me and says, "Is this everything?" I say, "Yes." Then out of nowhere he says..."You're hott, this ones on me." OMG ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! I then proceeded to giggle like a child and say thank you. He wasn't a bad looking guy. He had red hair and was smoking outside when I pulled in so I mean that's a double red flag. But it was very flattering and I am still stoked that happened. Me being In shock I just peaced out and went on my way. What I should have done was turned back around and said, "Wait, so does that mean you want to fill up my tank."

My pulse is normal

Okay you can stop wondering where I have been. I am alive and well. First off can I just tell you how fast this year is going. I mean come on, we are nearing the middle of freaking April. That is crazy. It feels like just yesterday was the first day of 2010. Insane. It's sort of great though for 3 reasons..ONE, it means that my birthday has passed. Yes if you didn't wish me a Happy Birrrrfday on March 7th, you are a bad friend! No joke. I take it seriously. SECOND, it means that my trip to the Philippines SLASH Hawaii is getting close. That's right people, in 151 days my mother is taking me and my sis Melba to the Philippines to show us around her old stomping grounds. Then we figure we might as well stop off and chill in Hawaii!! It's gonna be awesome. So many brown people. So many Asians. I'm gonna fit it just nicely. OH WAIT..I am whiter than powdered sugar. Don't worry though, I will be getting a few sessions of spray tan before I get on that plane. Save myself the embarrassment. Although regardless of what shade of brown I will be, we still look half white and the eyes will be following us..not just for our Ravishing looks. YES. I said Ravishing. I didn't see why not. THIRDLY..Christmas once again is on the rise. Santa baby woot woot. Now for all you Christmas haters out there, I don't care if it's not for 261 days. I don't care if you don't want to be reminded of when it is. I don't care if you are gloomy gus who only thinks of spending money and not the feeling of Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year and I will continue to be very vocal about it. Christmas time makes me happy. End of story. So basically I have a lot to look forward to this year. There are little things here and there that I could probably go on and on about but I probably should be getting back to work. I'm on the clock. My bad:) Don't worry though, I have plenty to write about so you will be hearing from me again. Peace and love peeps!!

Chlamydia?

So it's been awhile since I have blogged. I have just had writers block and haven't had anything to blog about. You think I would just because my life is pretty eventful. Well I am happy to announce a recent event that has happened. Let me just paint a pretty picture for you. The other day I was sitting at work, when one of my coworkers suggested we get Groves Market for lunch. Love that place right? Wrong. Tomatoes. Tomatoes ruin everything. To me anyway. I opened up my sandwich and it was smothered in mushy gross tomatoes. WTF. How hard is it to not put tomatoes on something. Like seriously follow your paying customer's instructions. Anyways the entire sandwich was ruined. I could not eat it. I did manage to eat some of the bottom part after I scraped everything off. We are talking the avocado, the onions, the pickles. Everything had to be thrown in the trash. Ugh I am sick just thinking of it. Well this just ruined my day and only caused me to be even more hungry. HANGRY. I was hangry. So I texted my good friend Tottie about the unfortunate event. Explaining to her how upset I was and how I am starving and what not. Keep in mind she is Spanish (I had to throw that in there.) So she texts me back and says,"Eat some Comida." I was like what the heck is comida? So I ask my friend Mary at work what Comida was. Yeah don't worry that everyone thought I said, "What is Chlamydia?" Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh man. Wow. Bright red. Office = Uproar = Making Tottie's day! Glad I can provide everyone entertainment!! The end.

WTF

WHAT THE FUH??????? Is this really your album cover. Like are you a female pop star from 1987? Hahahahahahahahahahaha I am embarrassed for you. And I think I hate you even more.

I will get you one day....

I love Pickles. Mmmmmmmmm.

Ugh

Guy walks in, "Hey are you guys hiring?" No we're not. "Oh okay then, thank you." Your welcome. Guy leaves. Door Shuts. Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What's so funny you ask. His shirt said 5 Dollar Foot Long with an arrow pointed downwards to his man parts. How inappropriate!!!!!!

Smells good.

It's not everyday that your supervisor calls you at your desk and says "Hey come smell my office." Um okay. Smells like Cucumber. Nice.

Blahh

I hate tomatoes. I hate them. I made the mistake of telling my coworker Matt that I hate them. So what did he do. He picked up a tomato and shoved it in his mouth. Gross. Thanks Matt for grossing me out at such an early time in the morning.

Don't judge me.

Laying on your bed at night with your clothes on, makeup on, and not setting your alarm clock + waking up 10 minutes before you have to be at work, putting on flip flops, running out the door in less than a minute = Kimba looking like death the entire day.

Obsessed Much?......Yes.

I can't seem to get enough. WOW.

Coco we were born to do this!! Bollywood or Bust!!

Come Back To Me Now

For me, summertime and I have a love hate relationship. I love the outdoors. I love it. This summer I have decided to take advantage of living in one of the greatest states, with some of the greatest outdoor activities. I love all the Hiking, Golfing, Boating, Traveling, Fishing, Camping, etc. All that is great stuff. I just love being outdoors. That is what I love. Now that is the love portion of this blog. Now for the Hate portion. Hmmm what do I hate more than anything in this world. HEAT. Ughhhhhh THE HEAT. I can't stand the heat. Being hot makes me so irritable and crazy. Warm temperatures can bring out the worst in me. Sleeping and Waking up in the heat. Walking in the heat. Eating in the heat. Goo Ghu Glah.

All the sweating. Bleeeek. The sweating. Let me just emphasize how much I hate being hot. It is the worst feeling....ever! I know most of you are probably thinking that I am crazy but come on. Any sweating outside of physical activity just irks me to the core! Yeah, that was just said. Seriously I hate leaving my nice cool house, or getting out of my ice box of a car, and walking into a heat wave. Plus you know what comes with Summer? Allergies. Don't get me started with Allergies. Awful. Just awful. Talk about per misery. Heat. Sweat. Sneezing.

Phase 1. The Dreaded Anticipation. Oh no, Look at the light, oh no,

oh no, oh no.......

Phase 2. Here it comes, Ahh, OMG, It's gonna hurt, Ah Ahhhh Ahhh

Phase 3. Explosion

Well that was graceful. Fall, SNOW, Winter, COLD, I miss you. PWEEEEEEEEASE COME BACK TO ME NOW!!!!

Please...Stare at me longer THANX

So in case you haven't noticed, it has been quite awhile since my last post. I have been extremely lazy in the whole blogging world. Those of you that know me might think to yourself, oh I bet Kimba is going to blog about going to the Britney Spears concert, or rockin out with No Doubt. Maybe even about seeing fantastic musicals like Wicked or Miss Saigon. Yes those were all frigg'n amazing experiences that I have enjoyed so far this year. Yes you should be jealous. And yes I will forever talk about those events. But that is not what has brought me back to the blogging world. What has brought me back to the blogging world is Durt. Not Dirt, but Durt. I know what your thinking, Kim WTF? Let me fill you in. I work at Ace Disposal, Inc. Ya know the garbage trucks? Love it. At Ace I am the front desk. With that, I get to have contact with everyone that walks through the door. EVERYONE. There are those that come for meetings with management, people selling stuff, customers coming in to pay bills, and my favorite.....APPLICANTS. I cannot express to you how great it is to have something so awkward happen to me, and be able to tell others about it. Mainly my bestie Cocoum. Without fail every thing that happens at work, Coco will get an email from me literally as it is happening. Her response...."How have you not blogged about this yet?" Which made me think. I should be sharing my stories...... The easiest way to share this with you, is in what I like to call another one of my lists. Therefore, I give you.....The top ten awkward/creepy/stupid, comments applicants have said, questions they have asked, and weird moments that have made my experience at the front desk worthwhile:)

10. "Ma'am this says to list my address, should I write down the address where I live?" (No sir, write down the address of where your best friend's cousin lives, Come on)


9. "Wait, you have a lady hiring all the drivers here?" ?????uh??????


8. Go ahead and take a seat while you fill this out. "No I will stand, I write better standing up. I can hold the pen better." It's a pretty lengthy application sir "It's okay I go to the gym everyday, well sometimes. Okay not everyday." Blank stare.......



7. Is this paper part of the application? (Oh that, no that is a trick page that we throw in every application. Congrats on finding it. Your hired)

6. What should I put in the Job History Columns? (Your job history?)

5. "Do I have to fill out the entire application?" (How about you fill out the first half, and then I'll guess the second half. I'm sure you'll get the job:)

4. "Excuse me, how do you spell Dirt?" ..D I R T.. "Oh duh I knew that." (Then why did you still write DURT on your application)

3. (Some dude referring to Easter baskets sitting on a shelf at work)"I just love Easter baskets. Those look like really great baskets. Where did you get those? I can't decide what to get my kids for Easter. Can I steal one of those baskets from you? I don't even know what to get my girlfriend for Easter. My Ex wife was always really easy to shop for. I always got her the best presents. She divorced me so I don't think she liked everything I bought her. Ungrateful huh?" (..Uhhh Blah Blah Blah)

2. Being starred at by a guy with a lazy eye magnified by a thick pair of bifocals. (Creeeeeepyyyyy)

1. "Hey Miss, How do you spell a million?" ..M I L L I O N.. "No, like the Zeroes. How do you spell that?" .. A 1 with 6 zeroes after it.. (Wow, Seriously?)

It's so true...

So I have never been into Signs and all that jazz like a lot of people are, but today my corworker Rachel showed me hers. So I asked her to show me mine. Hahahahahahaha WTF. This is totally me, minus the creepy picture:)

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Always the center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible! Smart but lazy. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. Lover of animals. VERY caring, can make wonderful nurses or doctors. They always try to do the right thing but sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way! Great Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.

Oh yes we did!!!!!!!!!

Me too Brit. I will forever be a fan!

Fun Fact

Hi my name is Adam Lambert Jonas. Some of you might recognize me from American Idol, but what you don't know is that I am the older brother of the Jonas Brothers. What can I say, they learned from the best. I taught them how to kind of sing and to dress like females. Please don't vote for me if you like good music.

a few fam piXures

The Brown Lances and a few white boys

Zion Zakary

Elijah Zane

Ethan Michael

Remember that Rick?!?!

Doctors. What do they know.

How about we talk about how in the last year I have been “diagnosed” with two of the most unfortunate syndromes ever. To me at least. Honestly like who wants to have this always around. I mean always. First off I found out that I have Viral Pharyngitis Syndrome. What’s that you ask. Basically it is an incurable sore throat. WTF. Yeah they exist. It can be triggered by a number of things at any time. I can’t control it. It flares up whenever it wants too. In my case it’s brought on by Allergies. And what happens in the summer for most people????? Allergies!! I have really bad allergies. As in last summer I had at least 5 separate horrific sore throats. These aren’t just mild sore throats. They are like sore throats that make you want to scratch your eyeballs out or give yourself paper cuts in between your fingers. Strep like I guess. Although I would rather have strep throat once and call it good for the year then to have them over and over again. When the “on call” doctor told me I had this I kind of just starred at her and was like WTF. Your kidding. Where’s my real doctor? Is there anything you can do for me? NO? Great just another thing to make me hate summer even more. Yaaay can’t wait for blistering hot weather, pollen to be just flying up my nose, giving me the sneezies and a sore throat from hell. Booo.

So on Tuesday when I was at the gym lifting, my poor little foot was kind of aching. Well I love running and do it everyday. So after weights I went into the cardio cinema and was thinking, man my foot hurts. Oh well, I can run on it anyways. So I did. 3 miles later, I was in absolute pain. On top of all this I am very sick. I have been in complete misery this week. I had no idea what was going on. The pain in my foot wasn’t a sprain, cause I am an expert at sprained ankles. So yesterday I went to the foot doctor and got some x-rays to see what is going on. My life. “Kim you have what we call Accessory Navicular Syndrome.” Uh What? Apparently, I was born with spare parts. EXTRA ankle bones. WTF. Basically I can sprain my ankle every single step I take. This extra bone, for the last 24 years has been forcing me to walk on the outside of my feet so it’s easier to roll. I had no idea I was doing this. This is not part of normal bone structure, so it’s very rare. He asked me if I have ever had a problem with sprained ankles. I told him that when I was a teenager and played basketball, I would sprain my ankles 5 or 6 times every time I set foot on the court. Holy crow is this finally answering my questions of why I would sprain them so much. I thought it was cause of my shoes. Boy was I wrong. People can go all there life without having flare ups. He said that when they find people with the accessory navicular bone, they find them in athletic teenage girls. Well that was me in high school. I guess with my certain situation if there are any fractures or tears in my foot, I have to wait a week to find out. As in I have to be in more pain for the next week until I get another x-ray. WTF WTF WTF. My life right. I can barely walk on my foot without going nutso. I’m getting use to being called gimp or “TF”. I hope that the non surgical treatments work cause I don’t want surgery. On both ankles….I’m thinking I’ll need a wheelchair. If that ends up happening, Disneyland here I come. Oh and to change the subject a little, “Hey Chris Brown, like don’t hit Rihanna.”

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I got one for all of you. Ya know what irritates me? Why is it that whenever we have to log on to something, leave a comment on somebody’s blog, or purchase tickets on line, we have to type in a word verification. WTF why? Seriously it is just a waste of time. An extra inconvenient step. I’m pretty lazy so it frustrates me every time. The words don’t even make any sense. Like what kind of words are they. First of all they shouldn’t call it a word verification, they should call it a letter slash number verification cause their just a bunch of nonsense not actual words. Like what is BESS7ENTH, T23RIGHUM, VESOP56Y, or today I got a good one. MUVVRIT9. Like what the heck is that. Sometimes the words are smashed together and you can’t even read it. Then you type it in wrong, not only making you have to type in a new idiotic word, but it also makes you feel like an absolute idiot. Don’t act like you all don’t know what I am talking about. We’ve all done this before. My question is why all of a sudden do we have to do this moronic thing. Why the big change. And yes if you were wondering I do feel pretty strongly about this matter. I’m pist.

PS. When you leave me a comment, I hope you get the stupid verification WRONG!!

It could happen to you

Why is it that no matter where you are or what you are doing, there are always lame, idiotic people that can ruin everything. Last night me and my gal pal Jen Jen Jen went to go and watch a movie. We were so excited to see this new movie. He’s Just Not That Into You. It was really great. I loved everything about it. Funny. Dramatic. Perfect chick flick. We had a fun time watching it too. Oh wait…..how could I have enjoyed it fully. There were other people involved. There was a lady one person over to the right, clapping at every damn thing. David Beckham behind me kicking the crap out of my chair. Slippery hands to the back right kept dropping the same empty water bottle creating this annoying noise that irked me to the core. Oh and must we discuss the relief society that was having enrichment night in the middle section of the movie theatre. Seriously shut the crapola up. Your in a freak’n movie. Have a little respect. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. As a self declared movie expert, critic, GENIUS. I don’t take movie going very lightly. Who doesn’t love to go and chill out in a theatre waiting to see a new flick. I know I love it. If you don’t, then your not a friend of mine. And YES I did just judge you. Don’t worry that this is not the first time a movie has been ruined by morons. Example A: New Years Eve. Junior Year. We were watching Kate & Leopold (excellent movie by the way) as soon as the clock turned midnight, at a very soft, sentimental part of the movie, some jack ass yelled, “Happy New Year.” Are you kidding me. Save it for someone not enjoying a nice show. That was 7 years ago and I am still pist. Moral of the story is this. You go to a movie to actually watch the movie and not converse during the show.. At all. No kicking anyones seats, please no clapping, and if you are done with your drink, don’t play with it. Set it down. It’s called common sense people!!!

Oh Coco.....

An EDITED blog worthy email I received from my dear friend Coco!!

"So can I just tell you that I have almost gotten
in 3 car accidents today? And I'm not even a drama queen over exaggerator
about it, I LITERALLY have almost been hit by 3 people. 

Scenario #1- driving by subway on redwood road by my house in that
area, passing the entrance to the parking lot, DUMB@*$# BI$&@ in a SUV
decides she's just gonna roll on out and doesn't look to her left to see if
anyone is coming down the road. BEEP BEEP COCO IS!

Scenario #2- driving on the freeway, I-215 to be exactly, DUMB@*$# BI$&@
in a Honda on my left needs to get over into my lane and doesn't check
her blind spot to see if anyone is there. BEEP BEEP COCO IS!

Scenario #3- taking Angie on an errand so she can pick up her Sundance
Film Festival tickets. Pull into the parking lot, wait...., wait some
more...., Angie gets in the car I go to back out and a DUMB@*$# BI$&@ 
and/or BA$#&RD in a Toyota Camry are backing out and don't check to
see If someone is behind them. BEEP BEEP COCO IS!!!!!!!!

I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

If it's possible I heart you even more Cocoummmm!!

Excellent throwage…

It’s been two weeks into the year and already I have declared my favorite moment. There is nothing better than a great, unexpected conversation. To be a witness to this conversation was an honor. But to actually be involved in it, was absolutely amazing. Today I was busy at work when a fellow coworker came up behind me with a question that would leave me in awe. And it went something like this….

Hey Kim I have a weird question for ya..
Okay..
Do you speak Laos?
What?
Do you speak Laos?
Um do you speak Gibberish? What kind of a question is that?
I just thought that you might.
Why cause I’m asian?
I need to collect a bill from this guy and he doesn’t speak English. He speaks Laos..
What am I suppose to do? Have I ever spoke Laos to you? Any other language for that matter?
Well no, but I don’t know the things you learn in schools these days.
????????????HAHA???????????????????????????WTF???????????????????????????????????
???????????????????WTF???????????????????????????HAHA????????????????????????WTF

So do I speak Laos? Yeah I do. I learned it when I was born in America to a Filipino mother and a white father. No I don’t speak Laos. I can’t even speak the language of my ancestors let alone a completely different country. Am I mad….NO. Am I hurt….NO. Am I impressed with the fantastic throwage of the first racial card of the year….I guess I am!! Well played, well played.

I will rock your body til Canada Day!

The night of judgements, WTF, and Blue!!

So I had the glorious opportunity of attending traffic school this past week. I know right. Lamizzle. So going to traffic school means Yes, I did in fact get a ticket. A speeding ticket. Oh and thanks again for that you stupid motorcycle cop sitting at the bottom of the stupid ramp on 4th south at 10:30 at night with nothing to do but ruin lives with your stupid authority provided by a stupid badge and gun. Stressed. The thought of going to sit in a room with people who apparently all committed the same crime was not appealing at all. Already with bitterness of the blessed event in my mind I proceeded to travel through rush our traffic, where adding to my frustration was a bunch of idiots who should probably be going to traffic school as well. Have people forgotten how to drive or am I imagining things. I get to SLC and enter the non free parking garage ,park my car, walk up the stairs and proceed to the metal detectors. To spare an awesome frisk I made sure that I had nothing not up to par in my purse or pockets. As soon as that needed ritual was over I thought to myself, okay only an hour and then I get to go home. Little did I know what was around the corner was about to set me on fire. A LINE. Not just any line. A HUGE LINE. Are you kidding me. How was I suppose to prepare for this horrible horrible situation. The last time I went to traffic school, there was like 10 people in the class. There had to have been at least 100 people in line in front of me. This is just great. It took me 20 minutes just to get through the door. Went I finally got in, I walked myself to the middle of this huge room and took a seat in a very uncomfortable desk. Then I sat there for another 20 minutes as other people just kept coming in. The line was not going to stop. I could have gone crazy but then I realized….Holy crow I get to do my absolute favorite thing in the world right at this very moment in time. PEOPLE WATCH. Oh the many many walks of life that just kept piling in was unreal. There were ugly sweaters, bad facial hair, matchless outfits, questionable hair cuts, weird neck tattoos, and I do recall a very unusual sun hat. These images were like candy feeding to my internal sarcastic beast. I couldn't control the rude comments going through my mind. Oh how badly I wish a friend was with me in order to play our favorite game, Your team! (If your not sure how this works feel free to contact me at any time) The jokes and the mind remarks were not stopping. If only I could have stood in front of the room, unnoticed , undetected, to have a clearer view of all these strange traffic violators. But I had to settle with where I was. Next to a man with an odd smell steaming off of his bad hunting camo coat. Unpleasant? Very. As the line started to finally diminish, I was preparing for a lecture given by a cop with a buzz cut and tight pants. Nope. Try an adorable bald 84 year old, retired cop, who kind of looked like Blue from Old School. It was awesome. He was so so funny, and so little. I actually sat there laughing hysterically paying attention. Although, the whole time I wanted to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs, “you’re my boy blue!” Good guy good guy. Love the movie. Blue only talked to us for about 25 minutes. Which was great because I had to pee super bad. Finally…..your dismissed. Thanks Blue! Minus the long line and the rancid smell from Harry the Hunter man, traffic school wasn’t all that bad. I mean it still sucked, but at least I got to laugh and let my imagination run wild.

Samuel L. Jackson

You are in every movie. Samuel L. Jackson you creep me out. All in favor say I.

Top 10 things that make me freak……

10. BAD CAR STICKERS: Roxy stickers, Last names written in old English, RU LDS 2? Family member figurines. The Green Day grenade.

9. PEOPLE: Jared the Subway guy, Super Dale, Tom and Suri Cruise, Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell , Jolie-Pitt family. P Diddy

8. PUBLIC RESTROOM ETIQUETTE: There are more than enough stalls in public restrooms. Why on earth would an individual walk into the restroom and use the stall right next to someone when there are several empty stalls. WTF. If that doesn’t bother you, you have issues.

7. DIRTY KIDS: Parents clean your children. How hard is it? You have eyes and a nose. One word….Wipes!

6. MONTE CARLOS: A Monte Carlo really? Your only fooling yourself.

5. SOCKS AND SANDLES: Why are you in public? It will never be cool. One question…Do you drive a Monte Carlo?

4. LINES: Oh the lines. So not worth it. Unless it’s for Wicked tickets and or Dip N‘ Dots, and maybe to sit on Santa’s lap.

3. RC WILLEY: Thanks but if I wanted to come to your store and be followed by a man in a bad suit, I would have gone to…Oh wait no one wants that. Step off dude.

2. BOYS WEARING GIRL PANTS: How do you wear girl pants? That cannot be comfortable. Go back to the boys section, it’s good for ya.

1. VOICE AUTOMATED CUSTOMER SERVICE: No fake lady with the mono tone voice, that is not what I said. Click.

It wasn't suppose to end like this....

So all jokes aside, my life is shattered right now. Torn to pieces. Ripped to shreds. Thrown through the grinder. Why you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake due to recent events. What is the worst thing that can happen to someone? For me it is losing something that I cannot live without. Without it, my life is not the same. My heart is aching and I don’t know how I will recover. Listen to what I am saying….”My Cellular Device Has Gone Astray.” Missing, Gone, Lost, STOLEN? So help me. My phone is what connects me to the outside world. I cannot go anywhere without it. Call me crazy but not having my phone makes me want to lash out irrationally. I don’t know what happened. Why is this happening to me? I loved EnV. She was beautiful. Always came through for me. Hardly any dropped calls, amazing photos, and great ring tones. Oh my gosh I just realized all my ring tones are goneL. The pain is tremendous. And what about all the numbers? Do you know how many new people I have met in the last year or so? Gone forever. Horrible. Funny that last night was actually a great night too. Me and the gang just got out of another amazing showing of Mamma Mia. Love that movie. Then we decided to go the store to get ice cream and eat it while we were enjoying an awesome episode of the hills. Everything was just dandy. Then I realized what had happened and I about lost it. I tore my purse apart, searched the car. Could not find it and started to panic. Luckily I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. So Coco, Adi, and I went on a recovery mission immediately. We went to the theatre and luckily they were still open. I tried to stay calm but it didn’t help that the guy that was helping us at the CRAP movie theatre was throwing retarded jokes my way. Like duh your dumb. Dude was pissing me off I had to walk away. Unsuccessful. Then we headed over to our neighborhood grocer Harmon’s but it was closed. Adi went up to the closed door, managed to pry the first set of doors open (my props go out to you Adders for the semi breaking and entering) No luck though with the second set of doors. Unsuccessful. I’m guessing someone stole it. That is the only logical explanation to what is going on. I mean it was a pretty adorable electronic. So I hope that the creep that picked up my phone is enjoying themselves right now. I will find you. Maybe, Maybe not. So help me I will hurt you. I know people. So how does this story end. Well, I now have to resort to using my old crappy phone that I got almost 6 years ago when I was 18 years of age. The buttons stick and it’s falling apart. It won’t charge unless I actually hold it to the charger. Ahhhhh my life. I cannot wait till March 20th, 2009. That day I will be able to purchase a new phone. Blackberry Storm you are mine. Drama Drama Drama. And No it’s not just a phone!!!!!!! We had great times. I miss you. And from the words of Cocoum Rampton…. R.I.P. Miss EnV. R.I.P.

Really Mom?

As everyone must know, this past election has been pretty important. A big deal right? Yeah sure of course it is. But because of that, every person in the country has been down each others throats about voting. Seriously it’s all we’ve heard. Vote! Vote! You have to Vote! Are you going to Vote? You must Vote! Honestly, yeah we understand…..Vote….I got it, now breathe. That was kind of the most annoying thing to me ever. I mean I’m an adult, an American, I know how important it is and I can make decisions by myself. My favorite though is when all the celebrities get all into it and start talking like they know what is going on. Like their opinion matters because their latest movie was #1 in the box office or because Cojo added them to the worst dress list. I mean come on, really?!?! I made the decision to vote on my own. So on Nov. 4th I drove over to a that one church with the word South and Church in the same name, walked through the doors, greeted several helpers that were overly excited and some not so much. Signed by my name, took the card, and voted!! Yeah, I felt pretty good about my vote. It was the right thing to vote. So after that whole process, I proceeded downtown to meet up with my girlfriends for dinner. While sitting at dinner, my dear friend says, “Hey, I think someone’s phone is ringing.” We all looked around and it ended up being mine. I decided that instead of seeing who it was that I would just go ahead and check my voice mail. Little did I know, I was about to listen to a message from one angry Asian….MY MOTHER. I love my mom. More than anyone in this world. She is one of the greatest human beings I know. Why was she so mad you ask? Well, the previous night while I was brushing my teeth. My mom asked me if I was going to go and vote. I said, “Yeah ma, if I have time. I have to be downtown at 5:30 so depending on when I leave work, I will vote for sure.” She acted a little weird and was kind of upset, but I wiped my mouth and went to bed. Basically, the only way I can explain how furious she was, would be to give you the entire message, word for word. Literally. Imagine sort of an intense, upset Filipino accent if you will…“Kimberly Jane this is mom, where are you? You need to get over here and vote. I just voted and your name is empty. Kimberly this is the most important election. People always say that their vote doesn’t count but it does. Please they are open till 8 o’clock. Your sister is on her way here right now and you should be too. You need to come and vote. Call me right now. Sweetheart this is so very important for you to get over here and cast your vote. I love you baby.” Wow mom! I love the passion. The intensity in my moms voice sent chills down my half Asian spine. I had no idea that I was so bugged with listening to people in the media I don’t care for at all, that I didn’t realize how strongly my mom felt about this matter. I immediately got nervous and thought WTF in my head. I had to replay it. Okay so after hearing this again, and replaying it on my speaker phone for my friends and a few old people at the Lion House to hear, I called her back. I told her that I voted and that she didn’t see my name because she probably went to the other booth. Oh but she didn’t believe me. She was getting so mad and was like, “why are you lying about this? This isn’t funny Kimberly Jane, you need to come and vote.” I kept telling her that I did. “ I promise mom I voted.“ Why would she not believe me. I mean, granted everything that comes out of my mouth is dripping with sarcasm. But Judas Priest, I have some sort of an honest quality in me. I was not lying at all. I guess it didn’t help that me and my friends couldn’t stop laughing. Momma was gett’n heated. Oh I’m sorry MOM that this happens to be the absolute greatest conversation ever. We couldn’t help but to laugh. A few more things were said and then the phone call ended. It has been a few days and I swear on my life she still doesn’t believe me. What do I have to do? Hey Mom.......