Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The night of judgements, WTF, and Blue!!

So I had the glorious opportunity of attending traffic school this past week. I know right. Lamizzle. So going to traffic school means Yes, I did in fact get a ticket. A speeding ticket. Oh and thanks again for that you stupid motorcycle cop sitting at the bottom of the stupid ramp on 4th south at 10:30 at night with nothing to do but ruin lives with your stupid authority provided by a stupid badge and gun. Stressed. The thought of going to sit in a room with people who apparently all committed the same crime was not appealing at all. Already with bitterness of the blessed event in my mind I proceeded to travel through rush our traffic, where adding to my frustration was a bunch of idiots who should probably be going to traffic school as well. Have people forgotten how to drive or am I imagining things. I get to SLC and enter the non free parking garage ,park my car, walk up the stairs and proceed to the metal detectors. To spare an awesome frisk I made sure that I had nothing not up to par in my purse or pockets. As soon as that needed ritual was over I thought to myself, okay only an hour and then I get to go home. Little did I know what was around the corner was about to set me on fire. A LINE. Not just any line. A HUGE LINE. Are you kidding me. How was I suppose to prepare for this horrible horrible situation. The last time I went to traffic school, there was like 10 people in the class. There had to have been at least 100 people in line in front of me. This is just great. It took me 20 minutes just to get through the door. Went I finally got in, I walked myself to the middle of this huge room and took a seat in a very uncomfortable desk. Then I sat there for another 20 minutes as other people just kept coming in. The line was not going to stop. I could have gone crazy but then I realized….Holy crow I get to do my absolute favorite thing in the world right at this very moment in time. PEOPLE WATCH. Oh the many many walks of life that just kept piling in was unreal. There were ugly sweaters, bad facial hair, matchless outfits, questionable hair cuts, weird neck tattoos, and I do recall a very unusual sun hat. These images were like candy feeding to my internal sarcastic beast. I couldn't control the rude comments going through my mind. Oh how badly I wish a friend was with me in order to play our favorite game, Your team! (If your not sure how this works feel free to contact me at any time) The jokes and the mind remarks were not stopping. If only I could have stood in front of the room, unnoticed , undetected, to have a clearer view of all these strange traffic violators. But I had to settle with where I was. Next to a man with an odd smell steaming off of his bad hunting camo coat. Unpleasant? Very. As the line started to finally diminish, I was preparing for a lecture given by a cop with a buzz cut and tight pants. Nope. Try an adorable bald 84 year old, retired cop, who kind of looked like Blue from Old School. It was awesome. He was so so funny, and so little. I actually sat there laughing hysterically paying attention. Although, the whole time I wanted to stand up and shout at the top of my lungs, “you’re my boy blue!” Good guy good guy. Love the movie. Blue only talked to us for about 25 minutes. Which was great because I had to pee super bad. Finally…..your dismissed. Thanks Blue! Minus the long line and the rancid smell from Harry the Hunter man, traffic school wasn’t all that bad. I mean it still sucked, but at least I got to laugh and let my imagination run wild.

Samuel L. Jackson

You are in every movie. Samuel L. Jackson you creep me out. All in favor say I.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Top 10 things that make me freak……

10. BAD CAR STICKERS: Roxy stickers, Last names written in old English, RU LDS 2? Family member figurines. The Green Day grenade.

9. PEOPLE: Jared the Subway guy, Super Dale, Tom and Suri Cruise, Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell , Jolie-Pitt family. P Diddy

8. PUBLIC RESTROOM ETIQUETTE: There are more than enough stalls in public restrooms. Why on earth would an individual walk into the restroom and use the stall right next to someone when there are several empty stalls. WTF. If that doesn’t bother you, you have issues.

7. DIRTY KIDS: Parents clean your children. How hard is it? You have eyes and a nose. One word….Wipes!

6. MONTE CARLOS: A Monte Carlo really? Your only fooling yourself.

5. SOCKS AND SANDLES: Why are you in public? It will never be cool. One question…Do you drive a Monte Carlo?

4. LINES: Oh the lines. So not worth it. Unless it’s for Wicked tickets and or Dip N‘ Dots, and maybe to sit on Santa’s lap.

3. RC WILLEY: Thanks but if I wanted to come to your store and be followed by a man in a bad suit, I would have gone to…Oh wait no one wants that. Step off dude.

2. BOYS WEARING GIRL PANTS: How do you wear girl pants? That cannot be comfortable. Go back to the boys section, it’s good for ya.

1. VOICE AUTOMATED CUSTOMER SERVICE: No fake lady with the mono tone voice, that is not what I said. Click.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

It wasn't suppose to end like this....

So all jokes aside, my life is shattered right now. Torn to pieces. Ripped to shreds. Thrown through the grinder. Why you ask? Well, let’s just say it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake due to recent events. What is the worst thing that can happen to someone? For me it is losing something that I cannot live without. Without it, my life is not the same. My heart is aching and I don’t know how I will recover. Listen to what I am saying….”My Cellular Device Has Gone Astray.” Missing, Gone, Lost, STOLEN? So help me. My phone is what connects me to the outside world. I cannot go anywhere without it. Call me crazy but not having my phone makes me want to lash out irrationally. I don’t know what happened. Why is this happening to me? I loved EnV. She was beautiful. Always came through for me. Hardly any dropped calls, amazing photos, and great ring tones. Oh my gosh I just realized all my ring tones are goneL. The pain is tremendous. And what about all the numbers? Do you know how many new people I have met in the last year or so? Gone forever. Horrible. Funny that last night was actually a great night too. Me and the gang just got out of another amazing showing of Mamma Mia. Love that movie. Then we decided to go the store to get ice cream and eat it while we were enjoying an awesome episode of the hills. Everything was just dandy. Then I realized what had happened and I about lost it. I tore my purse apart, searched the car. Could not find it and started to panic. Luckily I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. So Coco, Adi, and I went on a recovery mission immediately. We went to the theatre and luckily they were still open. I tried to stay calm but it didn’t help that the guy that was helping us at the CRAP movie theatre was throwing retarded jokes my way. Like duh your dumb. Dude was pissing me off I had to walk away. Unsuccessful. Then we headed over to our neighborhood grocer Harmon’s but it was closed. Adi went up to the closed door, managed to pry the first set of doors open (my props go out to you Adders for the semi breaking and entering) No luck though with the second set of doors. Unsuccessful. I’m guessing someone stole it. That is the only logical explanation to what is going on. I mean it was a pretty adorable electronic. So I hope that the creep that picked up my phone is enjoying themselves right now. I will find you. Maybe, Maybe not. So help me I will hurt you. I know people. So how does this story end. Well, I now have to resort to using my old crappy phone that I got almost 6 years ago when I was 18 years of age. The buttons stick and it’s falling apart. It won’t charge unless I actually hold it to the charger. Ahhhhh my life. I cannot wait till March 20th, 2009. That day I will be able to purchase a new phone. Blackberry Storm you are mine. Drama Drama Drama. And No it’s not just a phone!!!!!!! We had great times. I miss you. And from the words of Cocoum Rampton…. R.I.P. Miss EnV. R.I.P.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Really Mom?

As everyone must know, this past election has been pretty important. A big deal right? Yeah sure of course it is. But because of that, every person in the country has been down each others throats about voting. Seriously it’s all we’ve heard. Vote! Vote! You have to Vote! Are you going to Vote? You must Vote! Honestly, yeah we understand…..Vote….I got it, now breathe. That was kind of the most annoying thing to me ever. I mean I’m an adult, an American, I know how important it is and I can make decisions by myself. My favorite though is when all the celebrities get all into it and start talking like they know what is going on. Like their opinion matters because their latest movie was #1 in the box office or because Cojo added them to the worst dress list. I mean come on, really?!?! I made the decision to vote on my own. So on Nov. 4th I drove over to a that one church with the word South and Church in the same name, walked through the doors, greeted several helpers that were overly excited and some not so much. Signed by my name, took the card, and voted!! Yeah, I felt pretty good about my vote. It was the right thing to vote. So after that whole process, I proceeded downtown to meet up with my girlfriends for dinner. While sitting at dinner, my dear friend says, “Hey, I think someone’s phone is ringing.” We all looked around and it ended up being mine. I decided that instead of seeing who it was that I would just go ahead and check my voice mail. Little did I know, I was about to listen to a message from one angry Asian….MY MOTHER. I love my mom. More than anyone in this world. She is one of the greatest human beings I know. Why was she so mad you ask? Well, the previous night while I was brushing my teeth. My mom asked me if I was going to go and vote. I said, “Yeah ma, if I have time. I have to be downtown at 5:30 so depending on when I leave work, I will vote for sure.” She acted a little weird and was kind of upset, but I wiped my mouth and went to bed. Basically, the only way I can explain how furious she was, would be to give you the entire message, word for word. Literally. Imagine sort of an intense, upset Filipino accent if you will…“Kimberly Jane this is mom, where are you? You need to get over here and vote. I just voted and your name is empty. Kimberly this is the most important election. People always say that their vote doesn’t count but it does. Please they are open till 8 o’clock. Your sister is on her way here right now and you should be too. You need to come and vote. Call me right now. Sweetheart this is so very important for you to get over here and cast your vote. I love you baby.” Wow mom! I love the passion. The intensity in my moms voice sent chills down my half Asian spine. I had no idea that I was so bugged with listening to people in the media I don’t care for at all, that I didn’t realize how strongly my mom felt about this matter. I immediately got nervous and thought WTF in my head. I had to replay it. Okay so after hearing this again, and replaying it on my speaker phone for my friends and a few old people at the Lion House to hear, I called her back. I told her that I voted and that she didn’t see my name because she probably went to the other booth. Oh but she didn’t believe me. She was getting so mad and was like, “why are you lying about this? This isn’t funny Kimberly Jane, you need to come and vote.” I kept telling her that I did. “ I promise mom I voted.“ Why would she not believe me. I mean, granted everything that comes out of my mouth is dripping with sarcasm. But Judas Priest, I have some sort of an honest quality in me. I was not lying at all. I guess it didn’t help that me and my friends couldn’t stop laughing. Momma was gett’n heated. Oh I’m sorry MOM that this happens to be the absolute greatest conversation ever. We couldn’t help but to laugh. A few more things were said and then the phone call ended. It has been a few days and I swear on my life she still doesn’t believe me. What do I have to do? Hey Mom.......